An Unlikely Interview with Kelda Crich

In the spirit of our issue of deliberately terrible fiction, we asked our authors some deliberately terrible questions. Luckily, they were kind enough to play along. Here’s what Kelda Crich, author of All Flesh is Grass had to say…

Where do you get your ideas?

I tell you where I don’t get them, and that’s my dreams. Last night I dreamed of needing some milk. And in my dream I nipped to the corner shop and bought some. I don’t even drink milk. Sleeping: what a time-waster.

Have you written anything I’ve heard of?

I was once published in Misty. When I was ten. Misty was a very famous spooky land girls’ comic in the UK. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. I sent them a spooky joke.

Nope, I haven’t heard of that. Have you considered writing more like Stephen King or J.K. Rowling? They seem to be pretty popular and rich, so maybe you should do that.

Do they write stories about nipping to the corner shop and buying milk? Because I’ve got plenty of them. Also skeleton jokes.

I have a really great idea for a story about a cowboy and an astronaut who are best friends. It’s kind of like Toy Story, except set during the time of The Great Gatsby, only it takes place in the Lost City of Atlantis. Robert Redford would be perfect for the movie version. Why don’t you write it, and we can split the profit 50/50? Maybe 70/30 since I came up with the idea and that’s the hard part. What do you think?

You fool. Did you copyright that idea? Because somebody might steal it. You can copyright an idea by writing it down and then posting it to yourself. The stamp’s frank proves the copyright privilege. But never open the envelope. To be extra safe, write @ after every original idea. (It should be c in a little circle, but I don’t have one of those on my keyboard.)

And on a slightly more serious note (but only slightly), given your story is gracing the fine pixilated pages of an issue of deliberately terrible fiction: Do you have any regrets?

What? Terrible fiction? I . . . Is it too late to withdraw?

Kelda Crich is a new born entity. She’s been lurking in her creator’s mind for a few years. Now she’s out in the open. Find her in London looking at strange things in medical museums or on her blog: http://keldacrichblog.blogspot.com/. Her work has appeared in Lovecraft Ezine, Spinetinglers and the Life After Death anthology.